22 Dec The Darkest Knight Of The Soul

This timeless vessel begins to sink further and further at speeding paces now, this water that surrounds has now turned to a toxic of poison, harmful to my lungs – all I desire in this moment is just to breathe. I can feel it happening now, I can feel it taking shape now, I can feel it formulating much darker than I even imagined it could be, but regardless I knew this darkness would encompass. The disassociation that I feel thrown into now, I had always knew would come with the territory. It is violent and forceful in it’s own right, for I now feel so far from myself and what I used to be – like bearer of greater shame, or a wielder of much greater pain. It’s true, I could lead you all the way down this pathway to what I now know to be of my reality, but why? The anchor and vessel I am bound to is one of my own making, with the very trenches that my darkest thoughts reside in are all reverberations of the fears and doubts that my mind had once create.

Hindsight is truly 2020, for while I can only imagine how treacherous forcing an existence must be on a soul that has long since expired – I still cannot predict the future. In this moment, this no longer holds any sort of cause for concern for me; for I know now that these dreary day’s and sleepless nights have been leading to this very moment in time, a moment where I must endure the darkest things that I will ever come to know, for this was always meant to be a fate I must hold. My heart doesn’t belong in the morning light that shines down upon cold and dampen roadways and grassy fields during the return of some day-spring sun, but instead, it yearns to be latched to the core of my soul while a blackness within the darkest nights devour entirely.

I am becoming something like a reaper of fates, uncontrollably starving to experience the end of all things, I subconsciously yearn for it, I subconsciously hunger for it. It is manifesting in all things that I know, and the universe itself while silent in all other aspects, non-responsive in every moment that I cry out – seems to continuously support this darkest path that I am now treading. This is the darkest that my soul has ever known within this line, bruised and bleeding – but still full with a quickly fleeting passion that is only kept alive by the fires that are turning against me more and more with each passing hour. For I know in time they’ll become a monster of their own making, breaking me open with their teeth of flames. While gruesome and unsettling as this may all be, I find a sense of peace within these darkened thoughts, for in these fragile moments within this vessel that has now begun to crack at the seams for even the pressure of these very blackened waters seem to be taking a toll on it’s entirety – I have begun to experience a sense surrender, which comes with a darker sense of serenity during these darkest nights. 

I have now let-go of this delusion-ed sense of desire which seeks to return to some newer light which I know I was never truly meant to see, which I know was never meant to be witnessed by the eyes of everyone. But despite this, I still owe it to myself and all the darkness I have become, that has helped me get this far, to see what I can create with these shadowed hands. For while this decaying body may appear young, what lies deeper inside is drowning, gasping desperately for air and a sense of reality that no longer seeks to hold me still, that no longer seeks to hold me in chains; it seizures violently for what has held it back for what feels to be an eternity is seen as a norm, and with every passing second that you experience, it screams of yet another eternity of pain and longing that has yet to be addressed – that the body doesn’t translate. So yes, let me become a knight of sorts that is meant to be pierced by the darkest of blades forged by hands that were once innocent much like mine were, and let me bleed slowly till the fires turn and consume me – for maybe in accepting these fates I would finally be given a chance to breathe, to finally create in a space that no longer wishes to hold me down, to reach a place far from meaningless wars, conversation, and sense of forgotten identity. Maybe at the edge of these darkest nights, I can experience it all as it was once meant to be experienced – as I now drift off into the epicenter of this dark pool.