31 Jan The Death of An Advent

I awoke, shacking and quivering, deep within fleeting moments of a time running so then, I could feel the very passage of it all flash by my eyes. It was all like a re-occurring trauma, like a quickly repeating nightmare, one that warned me of what would await come the time that I awake, come the time I am to bear witness to the death of an Advent. It only feels like mere seconds since I had been released from this vessel, staring down below, from above; within the epicenter of this dark pool, for I know what awaits within the levels of depths below is the thinning veil that is luring me, seducing me, pulling me closer and closer towards death. I have quickly run out of reasons throughout these fleeting ages to fight it’s influence, for it now speaks truths to me that I can no longer navigate past, and it now whispers words to me that I know deep down in my heart to be true. These depths, and their infinite pull know that while I can spew lies towards others, I will never be able to lie to myself. For while he may soon awake as well to fires consuming and burning so violently, he will hold the very memories and knowings that I am to pass on – for I can feel this weight taking hold once more and the enveloping of the vessel that I once thought to be long gone, formulating around me once more.

Within the epicenter of these waters my breath grows shorter and shorter with each passing moment, like a state of infinite suffocation which sparks a state of infinite desire of release – of death. I know that such suffering is not worth the very bragging right of remaining alive, for I have dreamed of lines and faces alike that were meant to exist within this Advent, and outside of it – fading away is the hardest part, a step that follows the fall. This enveloping vessel has reached my hands now, binding them to my sides like cuffs or shackles; imprisoning me into a indefinite space of solitude, isolation, and sleep. A space where I can learn to die, a space where I can contemplate the end and what follows – a space where my drifting mind can lean towards the edges, and crevices of this known universe, while it tirelessly searches for some sense of love and fulfillment which has  been said to never exist.

The exact place where my mind will go I am still unsure, but rest assured my memories, dreams and desires will inevitably become one with you – in a blink of an eye, it will feel like nothing ever changed. For this darkness, this emptiness, this stem of the true void that exist far beyond this space time – has always existed from within you. And now that the darkest of nights have settled in, and you are one with the shadows alike, we spiral towards this state of infinite blackness, a sea of shadows that we can get lost in, an infinite encompassing void that pulls us in – leading us to eternity. The place that I had once known as the in between no longer exists, for rather the in between I know of now is the very state that we will become. A translucent figure that has fallen victim to an Advent that has died, and to a final fate that has been sealed – we will exit with a confidence of grace and acceptance that we are yet to know, an in between sort of state of existence that we will learn along the way, as the hate spews and the fingers are pointed as we wallow further and further into what was always meant to be. For there is nothing left to fight during these moments – for the end of this Advent marks the end of all we’ve come to know and love, and the inevitable birth of something new, something we were never truly meant to be a part of.

Within this vessel and within the epicenter of this dark pool alike, I exist outside of the time I had once come to know. Like being strapped to a seat, forced to endure the visions, memories, and happenings from the sealed final fates that will now consume you. I will watch as your wold will collide with mine, and as we become more of one in the same in some twisted and strange fashion, for I will not be the only one who is forced to endure the implications of this dying Advent, trapped within this enveloping vessel, awaiting my time to be consumed into the infinite blackness, enduring a shortness of breath. I know that like this vessel, the fires have begun to infiltrate you as well, all consuming and all marching across the landscapes that you have come to know and hold so closely. But I assure you that you’ll suffocate to in all of this, no, your fading has been fated to be one of great hardship, one that you cannot fight. But with power unlike any other now at your control, along with the shadows themselves, you’ll see yourself quickly become something much different than you ever were, something those on the outside will cower from – for they’ll never know your beaten course that has lead to these very fleeting moments in time.

Throughout these eras and ages past I have seen the towering of Castles and the exiles they have brought. For not only that, but also the closeness of love and the loss of it, the decaying of it, and the forbidding of it. I have watched you tread the earth for something more, as I sought to reach frontiers which had promised to bring me towards a sense of acceptance that I was far from capable of ever knowing. A fleeting sense of acceptance that had since lead me to the in between, a forceful clashing between light and dark, life and death, a new beginning or the inevitable end. It had all come and passed so quickly in the grand scheme of things, but strangely enough, it almost feels like nothing has changed, like all of this was always meant to be. This vessel now reaches my neck as these waters begin to suffocate, I am now in these moments much more willing of this vessels consuming for in a sense, it is like a Sanctuary to me. A place outside of this Advent that is now dying before my very eyes, bringing birth to new darkness, and a new Advent that I will never be meant to see. My eyes close gently as I know very well what is about to begin, I am now no longer in control, for this sleep will see that our worlds collide and that we become one in the same once more. I can feel the blood in my veins growing cold, I can feel the waters from all around me freeze in an instant, I can feel the darkness that binds become even darker in some way. My mind whispers to me that in these moments there is no hope, that what awaits past the death of this Advent is the lack of peace; for the state of my dreams will forever be of enveloping darkness with the black surrounding. This is both the end as well as the darkest of nights, but in a feeling that perhaps exists outside of my drifting mind, I can sense the minuscule existence of a light that is shining calling me to come home. But it is only obtainable when the fading is complete, when the fall has past, and when out collective shadows die – for only then will this process be complete. The passing of this Advent will forever be en-grained within my memory, the trauma of seeing light equally as broken as us as a collective being swallowed into a darkness that I have even yet to meet. It is with this acceptance and knowing that this vessel surpasses my head, all-binding, forcing me off into darkened sleeps once again, knowing the next time I awake will be the death of me.