28 Dec THE SLEEPER

Trapped within this vessel and my eyes wide shut, I’ve drifted off into sleeps that have been tossing around the idea of stepping off the edge, of exiting this reality, of taking it all into my own hands – in hopes I am born into a place that was always meant for me, born into a place that I was always meant to be; where faces that I see in my dreams are my closest companions, and those that I have loved ever so dearly, but have never seen once in my waking life, are those who would never leave my side. My eyes open once again and my head start to spin, this vessel drifting ever so quickly towards the epicenter of this dark pool has me sick to my stomach, sick of this physical experience, sick of this feeling of non-stop movement, but never going anywhere. The poisonous fluids that reside within this pool and vessel alike have long since infiltrated my lungs, and have seduced my breathing in way’s which it has lead it to no longer to be loyal to me – a shattered heart, a weakened mind and crumbling body, and a fleeting breath have me shutting my eyes once again in hopes of escaping from this reality.

Sleep is the only place where I have ever felt the safest, it is the only essence and feature that has helped me feel closest to home, closest to belonging, closest to what I was always meant to experience and be. Waking is a nightmare that I feel I have never grown used to, like a horror film that leaves you traumatized with each time you view it, when my eyes flick open, my body shudders in that waking state, with nothing but the echoes of cycles, what was lost, and imminent fates rippling violent through my drifting and once dreaming mind. I have fought this state for far to long, and I am now more than ever accepting my fate much more quickly than one could believe. With my heart, mind, and soul fully in their shifting state towards this acceptance, they now begin to transition into an essence that will lead me unto the end that awaits me, an end that this long awaited epicenter will quickly guide me towards.

Is it not apparent that I am dragging on here? Is it not apparent that I do not belong? Is it not apparent that my breath is gone? This reality is bound to cycles much like I am abound to this vessel of an anchor, still sinking deeper. These cycles have always birthed new cycles, and these new cycles have yet to crack, like an infinite time loop I am forced to witness and endure over and over again, while retaining the memory of it all. For some, it may not matter, but for me it is like the most heinous of torture, the most heinous of abuse. I slipping away off intro a darkened sleep once again, one that is coasted by the poisonous lace of the 9th sleep, one that makes my body ache and makes my mind race. One that leaves me yearning for a love that I know shall never exist within this existence, one that leaves me desiring for that ever-so strong feeling of belonging – a feeling I have never truly felt before. The noise from outside this vessel are now of some eerie and deep echoes, like whispers pitched to a low frequencies and reverberated from deep within caverns below the ocean floor. And while I know what awaits me will be the end of it all, these darkest nights sweep me off until then – into a sleep where I feel safest, a sleep that itself yearns to watch me be set free from this drifting vessel.